Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
