I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
