Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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