need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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