i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
