i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
