I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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