do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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