2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
