Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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