she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
