I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I could fuck to npr.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
