Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
