Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
