dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
