Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
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My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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