Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
