Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've blown a few things in my day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
