i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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