When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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