I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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