The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im six kinds of drunk right now
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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