Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
As shirtless as possible
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
