Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
