Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
