i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
