yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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