DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Of course I have a pirate flag
me + whiskey = a bad person
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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