Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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