dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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