Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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