i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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