hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
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Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
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No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.