I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the condom got lost in my hair
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.