I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
