Don't make out with my wife yet
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
