This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
