my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
