His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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