It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
