she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
