it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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