Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Randomize
