I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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