the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
