I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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