The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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