Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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