last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
