Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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