she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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