and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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