Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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