Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
