my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
