why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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