Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
