the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
